Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
