The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he shaved USA in his pubs
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
