The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
