:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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