I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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