90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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