They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
