the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
