So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
