I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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