My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
