I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
