I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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