First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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