His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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