I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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