I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I need to align my fucking chakras
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
