I just made out with a guy for $7.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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