Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
