i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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