I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
