I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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