i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
