someone threw a dead crab at me
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
