mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
