went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
