just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
