then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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