Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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