If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
