she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
