Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
