i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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