I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
