I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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