What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
