one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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