I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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