I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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