I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
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