I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
