You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize