why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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