someone threw a dead crab at me
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
