forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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