You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
