Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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