I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
