xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
