Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
