I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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