I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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