see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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