By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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