i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
