just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
