Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
