How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
