I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
