there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
