You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
