Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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