Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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