TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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